Seeing someone new brings a smile to my face but with it comes a certain worry. When I start to date someone, I think about them a lot, and the situation I am in. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Most times, my mind is consumed with ideas and plans for my projects, or work-related concerns, or musings on how to better myself. When I’m dating someone those thoughts seem to only occupy 40% of my mind. Why?
This occurrence is both frustrating and is currently causing me to feel anxious. Having just watched the movie Gone Girl, this issue is causing me more anxiety than it should. In the movie, the main character went bizerk when she became completely consumed with her husband and marriage.
I have no problem with marriage and settling down, my main concern is what happens to us when we become so absorbed in someone else? Where does our original self go? Where do our dreams, ambitions, or aspirations go when “love” infiltrates our mind space more than our usual thoughts?
When I think about the type of person I become when I am “in love”, I worry. Because when I am in that situation, I tend to cater to the other person’s needs and desires more than my own. Will I lose myself one day?
In school, people knew me as the “picky/bossy” girl. I was sure of myself, I was curious, I was independent. Instead of dreams of wedding bliss, I dreamt about traveling, having my own home, inspiring people, doing something else meaningful. I am not inculpating marriage or dating to be negative; this is more of a reflection of my own behaviour.
The pursuit of love takes a lot of my mind space more than I like to admit. I became aware of this recently, and now I’m committed to being careful on who and what I allow to alter my original mindspace and emotions. I grew up in a culture where being with someone makes you seem better. As if an unmarried person is only half complete and life will not be as better as it would be if you have someone by your side.
I sometimes feel conflicted because my parents have been together for 27 years and I see what a happy marriage can bring, but at the same time I want to always have my own thoughts, ambitions, independence. I guess maybe I’m looking for something in between.
Does that exist?